Men.

Let's begin with a little bit of idle jabber today about the weather.  (This could be an indicator that I'm getting old...)  I'm sitting in my glorious (and heinously messy) bedroom with the windows open and the blinds clear at the top!  It's 65 degrees and beautiful out today, and nothing makes a person feel better than fresh, radiant energy spilling into a downtrodden winter's room.  The only downside, the kid from a few houses down appears to be urinating in the trees in his back yard while giggling and yelling to his friends on the other side of the trees.  I hope this isn't a new game of hide and seek.


Let's got back in time by about a week and a half.  I had just gotten off work from the pharmacy and it had been a long, but pleasant, night.  My hip wasn't in the worst of shape that evening, so I decided to seize the opportunity and call up some friends whom I knew were going out.  The girls, Kelly and Megan (keep in mind, I like to change up some names), and I hit our favorite local bar with the intention of having a few drinks and enjoying the evening.  
Upon arrival at this bar, it was evident that the night had potential to be a tragic evening full of creepy guys making pathetic advances.  Sometimes your gut instincts should be listened to.  I didn't feel much like drinking when we went into the bar, so Meg and Kel ordered a drink and we sat down at a table.  We chose the table nearest the bar, but this table was also a central crossing point for access to every location.  You had to pass this table when you came in the door and were approaching the bar, it was passed when heading to the restrooms from the other tables, and it was passed (and looking upon) the area where the pool tables are and the exit to the patio.  Needless to say, this table was at the end of the path from the door to the bar, the bar to the pool tables, the bar to the toilets, and the bar to the exit; we were visible to the entire bar and we were vulnerable. 
When a wounded gazelle stands out from the rest of the herd, it becomes a meal for the nearest predator; we were a table of wounded gazelle. 
Kel and Meg were sitting across from me, facing the bar, and we were sharing humorous stories and enjoying the liberating "girls night" feeling invoked by our giggles and drinks.  I noticed a man about 6 feet tall walking with a purpose toward the door.  Every 4 or 5 steps he would shoot a glance over his shoulder, apparently looking to see if a friend was in tow, but continued his forward progression.  When he got to the exit, he turned around and was evidently looking for a friend, but passed through the door and stood on the other side of the glass windows waiting.  Not even 5 seconds later a significantly shorter white gentleman began to make his way past our table.  He was roughly 5'6" with huge, baggy jeans secured only to his body by a belt and his hand holding the crotch of the jeans.  He donned a white T-shirt, some sort of light jacket, and another heavy leather coat atop that; he had nice looking Timberland boots and a straight-billed hat on sideways.  His huge, seemingly cheap or fake, cross necklace swayed with each drunken step he took.  Just as he began to pass our table, he stopped.  His eyes were barely able to stay open, but he was determined to make his presence known, and fighting the droopy eyelids he tilted his head pretty far back and said "Hey laaaaaadies.... how you all doing tonight?  I'm Kevin.  What are your names, lovely ladies?" 
We politely introduced ourselves in the most brief and uninterested fashion possible.  He didn't seem to get the hint and this is where the "fun" began...


Kevin: So, what are 3 lovely ladies like yourselves doing out tonight?  You girls are beautiful!  What are you up to, gals?  Are you having ladies night?  You know, having a few drinnnnnks after work or whatever, doing that girls thing and enjoying yourself.  I know what it is!  I bet you girls are doing girls night.  Yeah you girls are beautiful... three beautiful girls doing girls night.  Hell yes.  So, what are you girls doing?


Me: We're just, you know, enjoying some drinks this evening.  We're having girls night.  It's been a long week and it's only Tuesday.


Kevin: Oh girl I know!  So, do you girls live around here?  Do you come here often?  Where you girls from?


Me: We're Ohio State Students. We never come here. Ever. This is it, you'll never see us here again.  (I was hoping my lies would deter him from asking to see us again...)


Kevin: Oh no way!  I am taking some online courses through Ohio State.  Yeah, let me tell you.  I'm taking care of myself, ya heard?  I'm taking classes online.  Get this!  I'm taking classes in Business Management while focusing on, get this, finance.  Yeah, I want to learn more about finance.  So what about you?  What's your major?  Mine is business management focusing on finance...


Me:  I'm getting my undergrad in micro.  (Realizing that generally only biology and other science-based majors understand "micro" is our way of saying Microbiology, I decided to clarify so he didn't assume I mean microeconomics or something.)  Microbiolgy, I mean.  Then I'm heading onto Pharmacy school.


Kevin:  Biology, huh? That's cool. I love to study biology.  But, hon, I think you mean MACRO biology.  Yeah, you know, the study of like genetics and shit.  Genetics and like the chemical structure of stuff.  That's Macro, honey!  The big picture is what you're studying, that's Macro.  Micro, shit, I don't even know what that would be about! hahahaha Maybe it would be about the study of the gazelle or something.


Me:  (I'm angered with this douche because I think I would know what my major is, but moreover, I just want him to go away so I'm agreeing with everything...) Yeah I guess I never thought of it like that.  You're totally right about the study of the genetics.  Regular Biology is the study of the gazelle, Micro is the study of the organism living in the gazelle's butthole.  You're totally right about Macro.  


Kevin:  Yeah that's so cool.  The little organisms, man, those are the big pictures!  I dunno why they'd tell you it's micro.  That's just crazy.  Let me ask you something, let me ask you something.  Girls, let me ask you something.. (In a lower, more whisper-esque tone) You ever heard of Darwin?


Now, at this point I'm experiencing a lot of different emotions.  I want him to leave, I want to stop talking to this guy about my major, I'm offended that he's correcting the basis of my education with drunken babble, but now I'm just confused.  Could this guy be brilliant and I'm the one who is retarded?  Have I ever heard of Darwin?  Is this a trick question?  Is there some NEW Darwin I should know about?  When I look over at the girls, they have this look on their faces that SCREAMS "HELP US" mixed with a dash of "what the hell is this guy talking about?" 


Me: Like Charles Darwin?  Yes.  I'm very aware of him.


Kevin: Ohhh! Ohhh! You girls is so smart!  Damn, pretty and smart!  All 3 of y'all!  Damn girls!  hahaha Well, see, most schools don't teach about him the right way because he's got a different view.  This Charles Darwin, man, he's got shit all wrong!  Listen, listen, listen (puts his fist to his mouth sideways like he's going to clear his throat and tell us a speech with information that will blow our minds; like all he needs to do is regain his composure and clear his throat and let it flow...) I gotta tell you this.  That Darwin, get this, he said that evolution happens over like, you know, generations.  Like a mutation in a gene happens and then you can see the change over time but sometimes right away.  He was saying that, you know, your genetics change and then you change, but he was saying the genetic mutation just happened from nothing!  Like there was no genetic code there, then BOOM there was this mutated code.  Ok, for real?  How does something come up out of nothing?  Like, a code must have been there for it to be mutated, right? Am I right? haha You know, girls you know!  haha Anyway, he was saying that evolution happens on the macro level with microscopic effects on things.  That's crazy!  I mean, there is no evidence of evolution right now.  Ok, humans have been around for a lot of generations and we're not evolving! You know what, I'm saying, girls? No proof of evolution in humans!  I mean, I could understand if like, by babies will be slightly evolved to be faster, better, smarter or whatever, but they're not showing the kind of evolution Darwin was talking about!  I mean, listen... it only takes 1 day to have a baby, so why aren't we seeing evolution every day?  Because he was wrong!  You can't have evolution on a micro level where things weren't before!  I mean, that's like saying I will go to sleep tonight and something in my genes will mutate and I'll be a frog in the morning...


Me: (bored and absolutely mind-boggled at how one individual could have been let down so badly by the education system.) Yeah... waking up a frog... that would be a bad day...


The girls laugh at the "that would be a bad day" and I think he assumes that means it's time to lay it on heavier... we wanted to die.


Kevin:  Yeah, for real.  So, I'm just saying, Darwin didn't have his thing right!  Schools need to teach it right, man!  You know, it only takes 1 day to have a baby... But anyway, listen girls, I want to tell y'all I have a baby and another on the way and I'm supporting my babies.  I'm getting my education and I'm working and I'm taking care of my babies. You know how it is.  I take care of them.  I have a successful rap career going right now, you can check me out at (he lists the website that I had no intention of ever remembering...) and get my album.  I've got another one coming out here soon.  You girls are so beautiful!  You are!  Smart and beautiful! You girls know about DARWIN!  Damn!  I take care of my babies!  I tell you what.  I want to finish up taking these classes online, make some big money and give my babies a good life.  You know!  Girls, it's been great talking to you.  I'm Kevin!  I take care of my babies.  I want you to know, man, that if you put your love in The Jesus Christ anything can happen.  I love The Jesus and I've got two great babies.  The Jesus Christ is the one who made evolution, not Darwin.  The Jesus is the man, and if you put your love in him, all things are possible!  The Jesus makes it all happen.  You girls have a good night!  Enjoy your girls night!  Get you some drinks on, get your dance on!  You girls are beautiful!  Love The Jesus. Be safe!  


The girls and I are speechless.  We have NO idea what to say to something like this.  We looked at each other for several minutes in silence and finally someone spoke up and said, "what the hell was he talking about?"  None of us really knew what happened, but what we were very certain of was that 10 minutes or more of our lives had been spent listening to someone refer to Jesus Christ as THE Jesus Christ, as if there was another one I could have confused him with, and babble on incorrectly about evolution and it's processes.  I was dumbfounded.  Kel spoke up shortly thereafter with what seemed to be the best idea of the night: Let's move to the corner of the bar where we're not noticeable.  We quickly grabbed our coats, drinks, and handbags and made our way to the far corner of the bar where we assumed we would be out of sight.  Roughly 15 minutes passed without incident, but as a female you can never hide in a public place when men are on the prowl.  It wasn't long before the queue of men began forming and purchasing drinks and trying with all their might to hit on us.  We were as polite as we could be about the whole thing, but it was one of those nights where the creepers were out in numbers.  We were 3 of maybe 7 girls in the bar; we were the only ones under the age of 30; we were the only ones wearing makeup.  Looking back on that night, I know I only purchased 1 round of shots for the girls.  At the end of the night, however, 10 more drinks had been placed in front of my person, most of which I didn't drink and none of which I purchased myself.  I guess there's something to be said about being a wounded gazelle in a room full of lions; it's the best way to have a few drinks during the recession...