in prison you find that "fist" can be a verb

Hello world.  I'd like to share some stories with you this evening.  I don't really want to blog about my life in a "Dear Diary" form or one of those "this is what I did today.." deals, what I want is to let everyone into my brain and relive my past (and present and future) through humor, sarcasm, and blatant disregard for being politically correct.  Let's begin now...

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Since I was old enough to understand the concept of a person being a minority, I've been interested in finding the best minority out there.  This may sound strange to everyone, and probably offensive to others, but it has been my experience in life that whenever someone "does" something or "is" something, there's some other person out there doing it better.  For example: Just when the world thought Lindsey Lohan was the biggest and best train wreck to ever grace the cover of our smut magazines in the check-out lanes of Wal-Mart, Britney Spears sinks to unspeakable lows by breeding with an individual who goes by the name "K-Fed" not once, my friends, but twice.  It was presumed that our sweet little ginger, Lindsey, would be the most glorious disasters, but Britney proved that shaving your head, lip-syncing, and "dancing" on stage in boots when you're giggling will somehow always trump any other epic fail that could be consuming America's desires for celebrity drama.
Lenny Kravitz came onto the scene years and years ago with his edgy style, suave moves, and that thing that made every girl want an all American bad-boy.  He's very openly Jewish and, obviously, black/bi-racial.  These are two groups of minorities.  Now, the wheels in my head began turning when I started thinking about minority groups; there are so many minority groups, but there has to be someone who fits into a plethora of these groups at once.  Then, it hit me!  That "ah ha!" moment where everything makes sense seemed to fall upon me like a wave of refreshing water, and I knew what minority I wanted to someday find.  Brace yourself, readers, it's intense.  If this woman should exist, she might be one of the people that is doing the minority groups better than anyone else.  She is the trump card!  Just like when Shrek came out and the whole world thought it could never get better than that movie, BOOM, there's a Shrek 2 and 3 and Justin Timberlake is in it!
I want to know if this woman is out there, the woman who is the biggest minority:
A black, Jewish, lesbian, midget who is left handed and has two different colored eyes.  Come forward, friend!  Show the world you're the one who is doing it better than everyone else.  If you're hiding, I can totally understand.  Should you go public and make your gifts known, you'll have to do an interview with Oprah, and God knows nobody wants that.

There are a lot of tales that I have to share with all of you at some point; recent tales from the bars, tales from the stores, tales from public restrooms and God only knows where else.  I want to try to blog every day, if not twice daily, to start putting these stories out there.  Some are humorous, some are tragic, some are stories that will make you scratch your head and go "are you frigging kidding me?" 
My best friend, Becky, has always said "Danielle, freaks, geeks, and assholes are all that seem to be attracted to us! We're like MAGNETS!" 
I'm hoping to use that line as a precursor to my next entry... The Freaks, Geeks, and Assholes of My Life 


Sleep Well...