It's been a bit since I've updated. I've just started back to school today and been pretty busy lately.
On to business...
We've all experienced bad kissers at some point in our lives. Regardless of if you were kissing a man or a woman, there are just some people who are epic failures in the smooch department. I encountered a guy, years ago, who must have taken lessons from a Great Dane on how to kiss a girl.
After polite conversation and a beer with Davey, we were watching something boring on TV and I was pretending to be interested all while desperately hoping one of my girls would call me and bail me out. He must have sensed my desperation to turn off what I think was the World Series of Poker, and flipped the channel to something that started conversation. Again, we started chatting and we were really enjoying each other's company. As the natural course of dates like this seem to go, Davey leaned in for a kiss before I left.
Now, everyone loves that first kiss with someone. That first time you lay down the good kisses that you've probably practiced with your hand or your mirror 100 times as a teenager makes you get butterflies. If that person is a good kisser, you feel even better and kind of giddy and all. But, if that person is a bad kisser, you wish that the 182,138,880,000,000 to 1 odds of a meteor landing on your home would happen while this kiss was taking place.
So this guy makes what seems to be a weird CPR-esque seal around my mouth with his teeth against my lips and starts shaking his head back and forth. I wasn't sure if he was trying to do some exfoliation technique my lips with his teeth or what, but my mouth was feeling disgusting being covered in saliva that wasn't my own. But the fun didn't stop there. As I tried to pull myself away from this wretched kiss from hell, he must have mistaken this gesture as a "please, kiss me more" plea and decided to put his tongue in my mouth. This is where things get even more confusing.
He literally used his hand to pull down my jaw while he was kissing me and flopped his tongue in my mouth and didn't move it. He went "oooooohhh" and started, again, shaking his head in a very confusing fashion. I was so bewildered that I didn't know what to do. I was desperate to leave. I actually started playing with the volume buttons on my phone to make it ring and jumped up screaming "OH! my mom is calling I have to go!" *Thanks for bailing me out, friends LOL
Needless to say I never spoke to him again. He called, but I never answered. When I saw him in public, I pretended not to recognize him. How could you ever face someone again knowing you kissed them that way? How has he survived this long with such terrible skills? Truth be told, he was in a several year long relationship that had ended about 5 months before we hung out. I pity that woman and it is very clear to me why she left him.
There was drool all over my face and the couch when I left. There was none on my shirt because the distance between him and myself was easily a foot, as I was desperately trying to escape the kiss that even the most lonely and depressed wouldn't accept.
OMG!!! That is so freaking hilarious... Are you sure he didn't put his dog up there while your eye's were closed? I would have paid money to see that.. you should have been like "I feel Like, I just had all my teeth pulled and the dentist numbed my mouth with all this droll."
ReplyDeleteLOL I didn't close my eyes at all. They were like a deer in a damn headlight. I was in a PANIC searching for any sign of anything that could get me the hell out of Dodge. :)
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